God I’m tired of doing job offers.

So one of the responsibilities I have at work is to conduct job offers, or hire meetings. This is a 1.5-2 hour long session that I hold with people who have applied, interviewed, and are being hired — we go over paperwork, procedures, rules, pay rates, guidelines, etc. It is literally me talking at full volume for 2 hours while sorting paperwork, signing, dating, and spot-checking. 

I fucking hate it.

In this month alone I have hired over 20 people in three separate meetings, and I am doing another one tomorrow with four more individuals. 

Talking for 2 straight hours is tiring in a way that is hard to explain. It’s both physically and mentally exhausting, and then following that I am conducting three hours of interviews amongst four clients and six applicants.

That is why I don’t want to go to sleep, because then I have to wake up and throw myself into the shit.

And thus ends my Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (yes that is the actual whole title) liveblog.

I hate movies where the main character beats everyone’s ass throughout the entire film with ease — karate experts, MMA fighters, henchmen, police officers — but when it comes to the final fight with the 50-something businessman-villain they are like “oh shit this is truly a battle to end all battles, I have met my match.”

"Jeff!" you may exclaim, "you’re mixing your screencaps! This obviously isn’t from Tomb Raider The Cradle of Life, it looks like it’s from Lord of the Rings or Pitch Black or some shit."

"Listen," I say, "shut your goddamned mouth. This IS from Tomb Raider! You know, a movie that slowly built up its plot to include weird-ass, faceless shadow monsters as big as the Hulk which pull soldiers through the ground and slabs of stone to god-knows-where."

"Oh," you say. "That’s fucking weird."

"Yes," I respond, "it certainly is."

Lara Croft is a rich (poorly accented) Englishwoman who has minorities around the world on-call to help her clean her motorcycles and jeeps and provide her with weapons.

Then they also die because of her.

Hmm.

So Lara finds out that Pandora’s Box is in Africa. And then villains learn this discreetly and are like, “ah, Africa it is,” and then we flash to the African jungles and savannahs.

This movie is treating Africa like it’s fucking Yosemite National Park.

"Ah, Africa, that’s not that big at all. Let’s just go there. To…Africa. Right in the middle of it. We should be able to search around and find this treasure."

IT’S A FUCKING CONTINENT, YOU FUCKS.

Shade.

This movie takes every opportunity it can to show how rich Lara Croft is and how little a shit she gives about the things she owns.

  1. Abandons a perfectly rad jet ski without thinking about it
  2. Abandons a perfectly good set of underwater scuba things
  3. Smashes her mansion while practice fighting with a friend
  4. Abandons two finely-tuned motorcycles in the Chinese wilderness
  5. Uses a weird Google Glass thing for a phone call ONE TIME and NEVER AGAIN

A man slowly and blurrily falls to his death as Angelina Jolie’s male stunt double gasps in horror.

"What have I done?" he thinks.

"What have I done?"

This movie suffers from the “whoops I dropped my gun so instead of picking it back up and shooting you I’m going to attempt to fight with every other possible weapon in the environment and then fail miserably” syndrome.