So I went to get a MRI of my hip and I literally felt like I was going insane during the procedure.

I’ve never had one before and I hope that I don’t have to have one again because at one point during all of the humming and clicking and banging I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer anxiety.

For those unaware a MRI is when you’re told to lay completely still on a table that they shove into a bleached plastic anus and then regale you with really stark, experimental industrial music. You aren’t supposed to move at all, and you are in there anywhere between half an hour to a whole hour.

And there isn’t anything to look at. They gave me some headphones to wear with some soothing jazz but that just made the experience more surreal. You are bombarded by this repetitive set of droning bangs, humming, buzzing, and violent clicking as the machine does its thing, and really those noises are not the issue. After a while they because sort of calming and rhythmic.

No, the problem is that you are supposed to remain still in this machine for so long and you’re so scared of moving involuntarily because then they may need to do the whole thing over again. So my heart was racing the entire time because I’m like “fuck my leg feels weird it’s going to just kick out fuck fuck fuck” and then you’re feeling all these weird sensations either actual or mental and I just got these surges of insane anxiety thinking my leg was going to move on its own.

After a while in there you just sort of accept that you’re in some level of hell for people who committed very annoying actions against their fellow humans, and this is your punishment: an eternity of discomfort and anxiety while trapped in a plastic tube.

Hey it turns out that I hate having a MRI.

It’s like

"shit i’m sleepy"

but

"i just poured this drink i need to finish it"

If you locked someone in a cave for 30 years and forced them to watch only Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg movies and then told them to direct their own film then Stargate would be that movie.

Kurt Russell: “KIDS DON’T PLAY WITH GUNS I HAVE DEEP-SEEDED EMOTIONAL ISSUES DUE TO THE DEATH OF MY SON.”

*1 hour later*

Kurt Russell: “GUNS! GUNS FOR EVERY KID WHO WANTS ONE!”

In case you were wondering, yes, James Spader’s nerdy scientist does in fact have sex with the super gorgeous native woman on the alien planet.

James Spader: “You were gonna kill yourself no matter what, don’t you have a family?”
Kurt Russell: “I had a family.”
James Spader: “I’m pretty sure that was your wife I saw during your introductory scene though, aren’t I ri…”
Kurt Russell: “I HAD A FAMILY.”

Hold up, so Ra’s plan is to conquer our world. And he has a bomb, and like…a dozen dudes who have sticks that sort of shoot blasts.

What is the actual threat here? Why are any of them worried about this?

Kurt Russell’s weakness in Stargate is literally children.