So really, this movie is decent. I give it a 6 out of 10.
It’s biggest problem is not wanting to go the full 10 yards with the violence and the craziness. The first half of the movie is pretty fucking intense — some very insane fight scenes and gratuitous, cringe-worthy moments. But past that midway mark it slackens, and while the battles are still engaging they lack “oomph”.
Another issue is that the main actor who portrays Conan is good, but not great. He isn’t intimidating really, he lacks the physical presence that Arnold had. I mean, I think he’s doing most of the fights and stunts, but his growls and roars just lack oomph. Also, the fact that there is kind of a love story is annoying.
Also: Not enough boobs. Never enough boobs. Every woman is gorgeous in the movie, which is nice, but all the men are also sort of attractive — in a movie about barbarians and monsters I want people to not have pearly whites.
Sometimes this movie treads into straight-to-DVD territory with its effects, but it’s better than other films with bigger stars (Season of the Witch). Although both movies have Ron Perlman.
You know what I really liked about this new Conan movie (aside from boobs)? The fact that there was no fucking weasel of a sidekick. No joke-cracking thief, no wise guy peasant. In fact, this movie is pretty devoid of humor, which is as it should be — Conan is not a comedy!
So if you want to see sword fights, watch this movie. Also, if you want to see Rose McGowan with a crazy hairdo, watch this movie.